Tuesday, February 8, 2011

Things You Probably Shouldn't Do: Episode 1

This is sort of a spin-off of our hit show, Rachel is Stupid. However, because it is full of wise advice and not just a collection of words describing Rachel's stupidity, we thought it deserved its own title.

#1. Wear your new beautiful Oxford shoes to break them in, get blisters, and then not allow the blisters to heal because you keep going to the gym.
Health is good, but foot pain is bad. Infection is worse, as it results in the amputation of foot, thereby making gym-going and health-acquiring more difficult.

#2. Forget to bring Band-Aids to England so you can't improve this condition.
Because one of the biggest problems is that getting Band-Aids (here called "Elastoplasts" which sounds more like a really rambunctious form of bodily cell) requires walking a far distance to the Tesco because NO ONE ELSE SELLS BAND-AIDS! This means that in order to get to the Tesco without bleeding out through my heels, I had to attach squares of tissue to them with packaging tape. And I wonder why I can't get a man.

#3. Knock over your mulberry-scented reed diffuser... again.
The reed diffuser does its job really well. It has a very strong smell, which is great when it's standing upright... but a little overpowering when it is on its side, leaking out all of its contents onto my various possessions... and white sheets, making it look really awkward and smelling very strongly (though thankfully, strongly of synthetic mulberries and not anything else.)

#4. Buy Digestives.
Cause they're freaking amazingly delicious and I want to eat all of them right now. The best part? They're DARK CHOCOLATE.

Pure Deliciousness
#5. Decide to go to the cafe alone at lunchtime.
It doesn't matter that I went there to work on my play outside of my room, because sometimes working in the place that I live makes me go crazy and I find that cafes help me write. The fact is that people go to cafes at lunchtime with their friends. If they don't have friends/friends to go with, they will grab something to go. So me sitting at the end of the table with my laptop and writing journal out made people look at me pityingly. They should have been pitying me, but not for the reasons they thought. I HAVE FRIENDS, OKAY?!
#6. Sit in said cafe and eat the lunch you packed for yourself because you didn't want to spend your life savings on a skinny sandwich and tiny beverage.
The cafe people don't really appreciate this (though I like to think that they were gazing in jealousy at my delicious wafer-thin-sliced chicken sandwich instead of indignation.) They didn't say anything to me, but I could tell they weren't too pleased. Perhaps if we got a Pret a Manger on campus, this tip wouldn't be here.

#7. Listen to your project soundtrack while working on said project.
Even though I was listening with headphones, here's the thing about me and music: even if it's instrumental (as this one was)... I sing along. Or at least hum. Though I kept it inside most of the time, I know I was making noise at least sometimes.

#8. Work on a project you are frustrated with in a public place.
This will cause your hands to make much contact with your face/hair/whatever, making you look slightly deranged.

#9. Cry in a cafe.
...What? I was frustrated. Don't worry, I'm super quiet when I cry. I can respect the environment. Plus, everyone was there with their friends, anyway; they didn't notice the crying girl at the table, angry at the fact that her play was not cooperating with her and that her brain was on holiday.

#10. Try to make yourself not cry in a cafe by looking at a funny blog.
When Adrienne and Laura came to my room the other day to get Children's Hour tickets, they saw a picture on my bulletin board from Hyperbole and a Half. They thought it was funny, so today, I said to my tearful self, "Self, how about you look for the blog entry that had that picture in it and send them the whole entry?" Unfortunately, it was harder to find said entry and so I went through a lot of the other ones and was laughing so hard that I covered both my nose and mouth to keep any sound from escaping, but this just meant I couldn't breathe and so then I started making snorting sounds. People actually turned around and looked at me.

#11. Allow the "this is so funny" laughter to escalate into "this is so funny" crying that then transitions into "I am so frustrated with my play" crying.
Yeah... see the thing is, I am very proud of this play and I want to do very serious things with it. However, it is still in its second draft and therefore needs a lot of work and I am having problems. And somehow my "haha" crying turned into "wahwah" crying.

#12. Stand up on a rolly chair.
A word to the wise: No matter how good an idea it first seems to put your alarm clock on top of the highest shelf (only reachable if you stand on something [besides the floor]), you have to first assess your ability to make logical decisions when it rings. In my case, my capacity for making logical decisions when I first awake is zero. Sometimes, I'm not even actually conscious, but stumbling around with my unseeing eyes open. (Again, my lack of a boyfriend astonishes me.) But I still put it up there, thinking that having to tackle a mini obstacle course in order to find the source of the loud beeping sound will annoy me into waking up. But a rolly chair... rolls. And when you fall, it hurts. Your pride gets hurt worse, though, when you're using the same chair to get the skirt that's at the back of the high shelf in your wardrobe and you spin off of the chair and crash into the radiator... all occurring in front of a mirror so you can watch your literal fall from grace.

I think you're probably overwhelmed with my wisdom at this point. Don't worry, more will come. Probably not tomorrow, though, since I took a ballet fitness class and seriously doubt I'll be able to move in the morning, whether my alarm clock is on top of the shelf or not. Oh, the pain...


Mrs. Flury said...

Dear Rachel, Take heart. Many people are willing to pay big bucks for the kind of entertainment you offer your public at no charge! You may wind up a billionaire as a result of these practice run-throughs!

I suggest that the next time you get odd looks from cafe patrons, wait a few minutes and then go interview them. With a serious face, tell them you are a theater major and are experimenting with interactive audience response. How did they feel during your "performance"? Take notes. Look official. ;D

You weren't wearing a tutu from ballet fitness class when you fell off the rolling chair were you? The visualization is, well, hhhmmm..., fluffy.

And . . . regardless of how flustered you may feel over all these shenanigans, I am heartened to read your use of the royal "we" in paragraph one. Very regal.

Rachel said...

Yes, hopefully one day I might actually get paid for my act, LOL.

No, no tutus. I regret to say that I abandoned the tutu look around the age of eight... though from the looks of some stores both here and at home, they're coming back, so perhaps I'll get one.

Re: the regal "we"... But of course- I am in the land of royalty now!

Knubbsy-Wubbsy said...

Remember MP2 is known to walk into trees, while trying to avoid gravemarkers and weeping angels, and then trip over spigots while apologizing to the tree.


Also, What's a Digestive?

Rachel said...

Hee hee, Katie, I enjoyed that description. Why are you tripping over gravemarkers, though? And "weeping angels" just reminds me of that Dr. Who episode- run awayyyyy!

Digestives are delicious chocolate cookie snacks. I think they're called Digestives because they're 45% wheat and wholemeal, but either way they're sooo gooooood.

Anonymous said...

OHH I am soo proud of your gracefullness... maybe ballet class can help with that.

The adventures you need to have to remember things I told you seems to be the only way you remember them. Although, the rolling chair issue, I am not a good role model. I do it all the time.. but not in a panic.

I am glad you went to the cafe.. and next time, just get buy a drink.. then technically, you have bought something and they probably will not say anything. Or even give you the "glare". (Ok maybe only half of the glare)
You are right, change of scenery can inspire a writing frenzy.

remember that too many digestives can back fire... upset tummy or .......?

Love ya,

Knubbsy-Wubbsy said...

My American Material Culture Class was studying American funerary marker traditions so we took a trip to a local cemetery.
And same weeping angels- just not actually trying to kill me (despite my friend's (joking) insistence of "Don't blink- whatever you do DON'T BLINK!")

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