Monday, January 24, 2011

Showing Up (Or Not)

While yesterday was filled with semi-natural disasters beyond my control, today has been the hardest day for me here so far, and that's because my home school posted their cast lists for the last two shows of the year.

As I mentioned, one particular show was attractive enough to me to make me consider not coming here. I wanted it that badly. But, as I also mentioned, there was a really good chance that I would stay at my home school, audition, maybe not even get called back, and not get the part. Then I would have felt stupid.

I knew all of this and I still know it. But I when I woke up this morning, I knew the list would be up and I was as nervous about that as I would have been if had tried out. Possibly more. And when I saw it, it almost killed me. Not because of who was on it, really- pretty much everyone in the theatre department is really good- but because I hadn't even gotten a chance to try. My name wasn't on the list because I hadn't even been able to be considered.

People are always shocked at the amount of auditions I go on. I try to audition as much as I can, for every and any type of job. It doesn't even actually have to be a job; it can be volunteer. I just want to work. And I think the reason I do this is because it makes me feel like I have a handle on a career that is only partially under the pursuer's control at any given time. In the grand scheme of things, I don't audition a ton as compared to people who are living in New York or Chicago or LA, simply because I have school, and even if I fit a role perfectly, the fact that I have an evening class on one of the rehearsal days means I can't audition. If it were my choice, I would audition instead of going to class (in my opinion, auditions are more class than any class will ever be, but that's a whole other can of worms.)

But I digress. What I'm trying to say is that, at least for me, it hurts worse to not get a part when you didn't try to get it, because you know that you weren't even in the running in the first place. It's hard to look at a cast list knowing you might not be on it; it's harder to look at it and know you definitely won't.

My teachers always tell me that 90% of show business is showing up, and I try to show up as much as possible. Most times, it leads to nothing, but other times, great things happen. I've had male roles changed to female for me and I've gotten calls a year after I went on a call to do a project with the same person. You never know what showing up will get you. It might get you nothing, it might get you something, or it might seem to get you nothing at first and then come around when you're least expecting it.

I hated not being able to try. It's no one's fault and I am, of course, happy for all of my friends who got roles. But I've been drama-queening my way through the day because, honestly, I'm really very upset about this. It's hit me harder than I expected.

I'll get over it. I always do. I allow myself twenty-four hour mourning periods for stuff like this, and then it's time to move on. Because there will always be other auditions, and as my mother will tell you, I exit almost all of them saying, "I REALLY want this one!" I really did want this one, but I'll want another in another second, even if I still pine for this one for awhile.


Anonymous said...

Remember--- the time that you get this cherished will be the perfect place and time to have it.

Captain Stennous said...

This show will be produced again at more than one or two points during your life. This is your one opportunity to study in England. I think, in the end, you will have no regrets having lived in England for five months of your life.

And, as always, your mother is right. :)

Mrs. Flury said...

Rachel, Sometimes I need time to wallow. After bathing in the pool of sorrow, I am ready again to face the world with logic and reason. Maybe you are right to allow yourself your 24-hour mourning period.

Didn't the Victorians go very big into mourning jewelry? Maybe you could get an antique mourning piece of jewelry in England and wear it whenever you feel you've suffered the loss of a role that was really meant for you. (Retail therapy again.) It could remind you of this time and the promise of a better tomorrow.

I think your mother harbors the Crown Jewels of wisdom.

How grand that the mysterious Captain Stennous also appreciates maternal insight. Such a positive quality in a man, don't you think? I especially liked the "always" part of his comment on that.

Hugs to you, Sweetie. I wish I could make it better for you. I'd send the whole show over to you if I could.

Rachel said...

Mrs. Flury- yes, I've found that wallowing is better, in the long run, as long as it's not too extended a period of time. Otherwise, I'm still walking around months later pining.
I'm sure they were into mourning jewelry, since they mourned for a full year after a death. I'll have to check that out.
Haha, she does indeed harbor such wisdom.
Something about Cpt. Stennous' agreement with my mother worries me ;)

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