I have been thinking about the idea that London will change me, and I realised that I still don't know what that means. What am I meant to be changing? Is it a conscious thing? Will it be? Should it? Am I supposed to be making my choices based on the fact that it might change me as a person? That sounds like it could be dangerous.
As I said, I'm not sure what I'm supposed to be changing. I know I need to be braver in general. Coming here was a step in that direction I hope- I was as terrified as I was excited to come to England. But now that I'm here and in love with the city, am I changing? Am I rediscovering? Is settling into a routine bad? (Well, either way, I'll be fixing that in five days when school lets out.)
But I suppose change is not necessarily synonymous with rediscovery. To discover is "to see, get knowledge of, learn of, find, or find out; gain sight or knowledge of something previously unseen or unknown." So... I have to do this? See, gain knowledge of, learn of, find, gain sight or knowledge of, myself?
I almost typed, "How will I know if I'm doing this right?" but then realised that there's probably not a right way to do this. Perhaps this is also a step up, being able to see the problem in that statement, as I'm generally always concerned with getting everything perfect. I don't think it's possible to rediscover perfectly.
I guess I just want to be able to tell if I'm doing what I was instructed to do. I don't want to go back to the people who told me this and have them say, "You haven't changed at all." Then again, there are parts of myself that I don't want to change. But that could be part of the problem, too, I guess. I hold on very tightly to things.
*sigh* This is what happens when I do analytical assignments late at night. I start to think. What are your thoughts on this? I would be interested to hear them (and I'm not necessarily talking about how they pertain to me. Just in general :) )
4 comments:
Dear Rachel,
How delightful that you are so metacognitive! You step outside yourself to reflect on who you are, who you've been, and who you want to be. I think that people who do that are much more likely to meet their goals.
A wise colleague of mine once said, "We become what we practice to be." If you look back over what you've been "practicing," or doing, these last several months, you should find signs of the person you are becoming. Have you changed, or have the strengths that were already inside you simply bubbled to the surface?
I'll bet that just like Dorothy, you'll realize what you've learned about yourself and life just before it's time to click your ruby slippers.
I appreciate the way you think. ;D
Mrs. Flury
Mrs.Flury-
Thanks for your comment. I very nearly deleted this entry because, as Gemma says in TSF, "It's sentimental and true and I've revealed a part of myself I shouldn't have." So I'm very glad to have your feedback!
I think you're right about discovering what's changed as my departure is impending. (Though- and this might shock you- I've never seen the film version of the Wizard of Oz!)
Dear Rachel,
Consider yourself invited to the Flury home for a special viewing of "The Wizard of Oz"! We can fix that gap in your education!
Mrs. Flury
When someone tells you to explore, change and grow, that does not necessarily mean it will be evident,even as it happens. It may take years or a certain situation that brings it to the surface.
THen after you have handled the situation,you will say to yourself, "gee I don't know where that came from" and there is your proof that you have grown or rediscoverd who you are.
MOM
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