Showing Up (Or Not)

While yesterday was filled with semi-natural disasters beyond my control, today has been the hardest day for me here so far, and that's because my home school posted their cast lists for the last two shows of the year.


As I mentioned, one particular show was attractive enough to me to make me consider not coming here. I wanted it that badly. But, as I also mentioned, there was a really good chance that I would stay at my home school, audition, maybe not even get called back, and not get the part. Then I would have felt stupid.


I knew all of this and I still know it. But I when I woke up this morning, I knew the list would be up and I was as nervous about that as I would have been if had tried out. Possibly more. And when I saw it, it almost killed me. Not because of who was on it, really- pretty much everyone in the theatre department is really good- but because I hadn't even gotten a chance to try. My name wasn't on the list because I hadn't even been able to be considered.


People are always shocked at the amount of auditions I go on. I try to audition as much as I can, for every and any type of job. It doesn't even actually have to be a job; it can be volunteer. I just want to work. And I think the reason I do this is because it makes me feel like I have a handle on a career that is only partially under the pursuer's control at any given time. In the grand scheme of things, I don't audition a ton as compared to people who are living in New York or Chicago or LA, simply because I have school, and even if I fit a role perfectly, the fact that I have an evening class on one of the rehearsal days means I can't audition. If it were my choice, I would audition instead of going to class (in my opinion, auditions are more class than any class will ever be, but that's a whole other can of worms.)


But I digress. What I'm trying to say is that, at least for me, it hurts worse to not get a part when you didn't try to get it, because you know that you weren't even in the running in the first place. It's hard to look at a cast list knowing you might not be on it; it's harder to look at it and know you definitely won't.

My teachers always tell me that 90% of show business is showing up, and I try to show up as much as possible. Most times, it leads to nothing, but other times, great things happen. I've had male roles changed to female for me and I've gotten calls a year after I went on a call to do a project with the same person. You never know what showing up will get you. It might get you nothing, it might get you something, or it might seem to get you nothing at first and then come around when you're least expecting it.


I hated not being able to try. It's no one's fault and I am, of course, happy for all of my friends who got roles. But I've been drama-queening my way through the day because, honestly, I'm really very upset about this. It's hit me harder than I expected.


I'll get over it. I always do. I allow myself twenty-four hour mourning periods for stuff like this, and then it's time to move on. Because there will always be other auditions, and as my mother will tell you, I exit almost all of them saying, "I REALLY want this one!" I really did want this one, but I'll want another in another second, even if I still pine for this one for awhile.

Opera, Death, News, and Tears... Among Other Things

Wow... I didn't think I would have anything to write about this weekend, but I think entry's going to be quite long because yesterday was eventful.

But first, today- I went to the Tower of London with Adrienne and two other friends, Deanna and Megan. Adrienne and I had already been there when we came on preview, but it was nice to go again. If you go one day, definitely take the guided tour. The yaomen guides (or at least the two we've had) are really funny and project well and are generally great tour guides. So we did that, then wandered around to all of the things you could see. We did see some new stuff, as last time we had a time limit; we were in no rush today and so stayed for nearly four hours. Some pics:

^ The white building is the last standing house from the Tudor era in the area.




^The Traitors Gate, through which many who were executed, including Anne Boleyn and Lady Jane Grey, entered.
^A picture I snapped against the rules.
^Anne Boleyn's (among other's) execution spot.

And now for yesterday:

Part One: La Vie Boheme


Or actually, just La Boheme. Yes, I finally got to the opera last night. It took me longer than I thought it would to find the theatre, as it was tucked down a small side street that was only labelled on the side of the street that I wasn't facing as I walked toward it. Finally, though, I found it and went in about fifteen minutes early.
The show itself was really good. It was the first opera I've ever been to, so even though I love me a good period piece, I'm glad it was a shortened, modern version. Though I didn't know the story upon which it was based, it translated pretty well to modern times, save for a few things, like the death scene where Rudolpho is clutching Mimi's beanie hat and crying and Mimi is singing about the nice, warm mittens they got her (a bonnet and a muff in the original... which isn't much better. I can't take people singing about items of clothing seriously. Love, yes. Accessories, no.) The modernised script could be genuinely funny in some places, though, too- there were lines sung like, "What's up?", "You know this is crap," and "Piss off!"
The coolest part about the show was that they physically moved us along with the show. When the characters went to the nearby pub, the entire audience was taken down two floors to the theatre's bar, where we all stood and the actors pushed past us to get around. I happened to be in the exact spot they had to cross, and at one point, I was chest to chest with one of the actors as he sang past me. It was pretty cool. I also heard the person behind me saying that the cast is one big ensemble and the leads change nightly. How cool!

Part Two: Some Exciting News

The student-run theatre group on campus that visited the associate students during our theatre induction told us that night that their organisation would be holding auditions for their annual New Writer's Festival in a few weeks, and at the very tail-end of this announcement, they said there were also oportunities for technicians and writers, if we were interested. Of course, I was interested in the latter and took down the information. They said I'd have to act fast- it was Wednesday and they were picking the pieces that Friday. So as soon as I got back from my 21st festivities, I selected two stand-alone scenes and sent them in.
The next morning, I got an e-mail in my inbox telling me that they needed more information. What were the pieces about? How many actors were needed? How long were they? Did I have technical preferences? If I didn't have enough time to do this and needed to pull my pieces, they said, they'd understand, but they hoped I could get the info in. I sat down right then, wrote it all out, and sent it in. Thank goodness for e-mail, is all I can say!
Then last night, I got back from the opera and went into my e-mail. There was a message from the Queen Mary Theatre Company. It began like a normal rejection letter: 'so many high-quaity submissions,' 'such a hard decision,' etc. etc. *sigh* Oh, well, I tried. I scrolled down to see the list of the chosen plays...

Both of mine were on the list.

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am so. Excited. I think I actually squealed, then I ran over to Adrienne's room and jumped around a little, then went back to my room and jumped around some more.

I AM SO EXCITED! While a few scenes I've written have been worked on/produced (in the film company I work with and in a few small acting schools), it's never been to the scale where people have auditoned for my pieces and a director was assigned. And it's a festival! They asked me if I wanted to direct and I said no; I don't enjoy directing and I also have a tendancy to get a little precious with my material, so I think being in charge of my own scene would be dangerous.

Of course, I'll look like a completely morbid person to someone who sees just these two scenes- they're both about funerals, but instead of being sad, they're both making fun of them. (According to friend and acting psychologist Stuart, it is because I am making light of something I am uncomfortable with :p) When I sent them in, I wrote, "Also, I promise I don't only write about funerals. These were just the two best pieces I had on hand."

I'm happy these were the two I sent in. While they both have the same basic subject and are comedic, they're actually very different. One is about sort-of love, the other is about three generations of family. One is about two people at a funeral, the other is about an elderly woman facing the fact of her death. One is completely from my imagination, the other is based on a real-life dinner out. And most of all, one took me months to write, and the other I wrote in forty-five minutes at a playwrighting workshop and edited only very lightly before submitting it.

I can't wait to see the final products, and I'll try to film them so I can share them with you, too!

Part Three: My Own Brand of Homesickness

Last night, I was Skype chatting with my lovely friend Kara, telling her the news above and wishing her many a broken limb at this semester's auditions back at my home school. As it happens, I was a little late- the auditions had already happened and callbacks were that night, and Kara, talented actor that she is, was called back for the lead part in a wonderful play. I freaked out with happiness for her and tried to ignore the incredible pang that hit me when she told me this news... because I love that play and I've been pining for that part for awhile. In fact, I want it so badly that it was the one thing that made me consider not coming here. However, I know that there was way too big a chance that I wouldn't get the part, especially at my home school, so I didn't let that change my decision.
So I tried to ignore the feeling that I had been hit by a truck at the mention of callbacks for a part that is on top of my MUST PLAY BEFORE I DIE list. But then Kara wrote, "I thought of you because I know you love her." I started crying.
I want that part SO badly. I want it, I want it, I want it. I could fill this entire blog with that sentence and it wouldn't cover how much I want to play that part. And to know that if I had stayed, I might have it within my grasp (maybe... there's a chance I might not even have been called back.) So to know that I willingly gave up that chance... well, if I didn't walk around London thinking how happy I am here every other minute, there's a good chance it would kill me.
That being said, though, I gave up a lot of opportunities to come here, but I think I'll find that there are just as many here. After all, one of the opportunities I gave up was entering a scene I wrote into a competition.... one of the same scenes that's being done in the festival here. So there's that point of view.
But I still really want that part. And I cried more than a little over it last night. So maybe homesickness is hitting me... I suspected it might happen in a weird way, and this could very well be it.

Quote of the Day:

"This is just a question for the world at large: why are all the abusive teachers reserved for actors, singers, and chefs? Why not biologists? I can just hear it- 'Oh, that is NOT spirogyra. That's not even flat endorsal vintrali, I mean COME ON!'" -Stephen Tobolowsky

This Entry Comes to You In Two Parts

(If you got the reference in the title, you must be a Nerdfighter, and for that, I love you.)

PART ONE: The Day The Music Died, I Was Taken in For Questioning
I went on a bus tour today. It was one through the school, which meant it was in a classy coach and not one of those double decker red buses (though, as I've discovered, those are used for regular transportation, as well.) This meant that we stayed nice and warm inside inside of riding in the open-air second level; I am not so committed to my photography that I would have been willing to sit up there today. However, I might just do one of those tours when it gets warmer... maybe when my family comes to visit in June.

Anyway, because we were in the bus most of the time, I didn't get a ton of great pictures, though we did stop a few times to get out and snap away. Our tour guide was really funny (this section title is a quote from him) and pointed out some great stuff, including the placed they used for Diagon Alley and Gringotts Bank in the Harry Potter movies! Here are a few random pictures I got on the tour:
















PART TWO: Ur Doin it Rong
I got a text from Laura earlier tonight asking if I wanted to hang out. She said that she didn't like being all alone in her room because it gave her time to think and that made her homesick. I totally understood and said sure, so she came over an Adrienne joined us. She, too, revealed that she had been suffering from homesickness. Me? I had nothing to contribute to the conversation. I'm not homesick. Don't get me wrong, it's not like I'm totally on board with the fact that I'm going to be several thousand miles away from my family for five months, but... I don't know, I'm just not right now. And it's the same as what I reported on my first night- everyone kept saying they constantly had second thoughts, and I never did. What is wrong with me?

I'm not stupid; I know that I will get homesick. I'm too close to my family not to, and its happened before. Maybe it will hit tomorrow when classes start. Maybe it will hit when I see a play and something in it reminds me of someone at home. But right now, while I do wish I could see my family and friends in person, I'm just too jazzed that I'M IN ENGLAND to be homesick. My friend Megan (who has been in France since August and is blogging about it, too) assured me that this is a normal reaction, which makes me feel a bit better.

In other news, I might be doing something else wrong, too, but I won't correct it until they tell me to; today, I installed this:




No, not the window, silly, the blinds! Though they're not nearly wide enough, this will allow me to open the curtains a bit more; I hate dark rooms even more than I hate the color yellow and rice, and these will let in a little more light while still keeping my room private. I'm not sure if they're allowed, but no one's said no yet.

First class tomorrow!

Pre-Homesickness

Well... maybe "homesickness" isn't the right word. But since I've just hit the halfway mark in the fall semester, I've been thinking a lot about the stuff that will come to an end in about two months- and a more permanent end than I've experienced in the past two years.

For instance, last Tuesday, my suitemate Sara celebrated her 20th birthday and most of our suite and some other friends went out to eat and then just hung out in our common room. I just met Sara and another suitemate, Chanelle, at the end of August, but I've been thinking how sad I'll be to leave our rooms. It'll be just as hard not to see Danielle, who lives with me, too, and hardest of all to not see Kara, my roommate, when I wake up in the morning.

It's weird to think that Arcadia won't just freeze and wait for me. I want to do my semester in both places; there's so much going on! The spring theatre season at my school is great, with some wonderful directors and a good amount of parts. A lot of my friends will be graduating. I'll miss a ton of summer auditions. Books I want are being released. I can't go home whenever I want. I can't participate in the workshop I was offered.

BUT. At the same time, I REALLY want to go to England. I think I've already mentioned what a lifelong dream this is, and I'm as excited as I am nervous about studying abroad. Yes, I'll miss a lot of stuff while I'm there, but I'm not even aware of what I'll be missing if I just decide to be safe and stick with what I know. While I am sad that I'll miss the spring plays (and seeing my friends in them), England is the land of THEATRE- there will be plays there. There will still be summer auditions when I go home. There's Skype. I have an e-reader for a reason. My entire family's coming to visit me in May/June. And there are other workshops. Plus, I made sure that I got two shows this semester just in case I didn't get to be in a production in England.

So while I'm quite nervous about what my five months in England will be like, I get excited every time I look at the school website or talk to someone about the program, and I think that's a sign that I should go, no matter what great things will be going on at home without me!